Let Me Be Honest with You.

I became a mama on July 26th of this year.

I've been a mama for almost 5 months now.

I just want to  be honest. 

Sometimes I love being a mama but sometimes I don't love it.

I'm not a super-mama who loves her child 24/7.

I'm doing my best to be a good/best mama but sometimes, it requires a lot of patience.

I dealt with postpartum depression after Audrey was born.

It lasted 3 months.

The more Audrey smiled, the more I got better.

It still makes me go crazy when I think that I can't go to the movies anymore.
Technically, yes, I can go to the movies with my hubby
once we find the babysitter.
but that's not the point.
I can't do lots of things that I was able to do before.
That's what makes me go crazy.

I guess I was so used to being just myself. 

I was able to go shopping by myself, go to the gym by myself, watch my favorite shows by myself

and take care of the house by myself(my hubby helped me with house chores and he still does!).

I used to do whatever I wanted to do easily.

Now I'm with Audrey everyday.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm stuck with her or She is stuck to me.

I feel bad for Audrey.

I feel like she could've had better mama than me.

I don't think I'm being a good mama.

When I'm home with her, I panic since I'm not sure what to do with her

or how to entertain her.

I can't just read a book or watch a movie while Audrey is playing by herself.

I feel bad.

I feel like I should do something with her but just don't know what to do.

Sometimes, I keep questioning myself.
Was I ready to be a mama or not?
Was this something that I wanted or not?
It doesn't matter now.
Whether I was ready or not, Audrey came out of me(I still can not believe that I gave birth without epidural!).

I guess for now, being with her is the best that I can do.

I really need to be more patient with Audrey.

Dear, Audrey.

I'm so sorry that I yelled at you like 10 times tonight.

I knew you were sleepy and that's why you were whiny 

but mama was tired too.

Sorry that I spanked you couple times.

I'm new to this motherhood world so please understand me a little bit, ok?

I will do my best to be a good mama.

I love you very much.

From, Mama